And what to do instead when you’re tired of carrying it all
“Just be strong.”
Three words that sound supportive—but are quietly destroying your mental health one day at a time.
I used to wear my strength like armor.
As a Black woman and therapist, I thought it was my superpower—the ability to handle anything life threw at me without breaking, without complaining, without asking for help.
Until I realized my “strength” was actually emotional exhaustion in disguise.If you’re someone who’s always been the one others lean on…
Who prides yourself on having it together…
And who’s starting to feel cracks in that foundation—
This is for you.
The Toxic Truth About “Just Be Strong”
Here’s what “just be strong” really means when it’s your default setting:
- You become everyone’s emotional dumping ground.
People feel safe bringing their problems to you because you “can handle it.” Meanwhile, your own struggles get minimized because “you’re the strong one.” - Your needs become invisible.
When you’re always the one giving support, people forget you might need some too. You train others to see you as the helper, never the helped. - You disconnect from your own emotions.
Strength culture teaches you that feeling overwhelmed, sad, or exhausted means you’re failing. So you learn to push through instead of processing. - You burn out from the inside.
You keep functioning on the outside while slowly depleting on the inside. Everyone thinks you’re fine because you’ve gotten so good at performing okay.
Sound familiar?
You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken.
The Strength Trap: How We Got Here
For many of us—especially Black women—strength isn’t just encouraged. It’s expected.
We’re raised with messages like:
- “You’re so strong, you can handle anything.”
- “Don’t let them see you sweat.”
- “Black women don’t have the luxury of falling apart.”
These messages aren’t entirely wrong.
Resilience has helped us survive systems that weren’t built for us.
But when strength becomes your only setting, it stops being survival and starts being self-destruction.
The Difference Between Healthy Resilience and Toxic Strength:
| Healthy Resilience | Toxic Strength |
| Bounces back from challenges | Never lets challenges register |
| Asks for support when needed | Believes asking = weakness |
| Processes emotions | Suppresses emotions |
3 Signs “Just Be Strong” Is Hurting You
1. You Can’t Turn Off Helper Mode
You automatically say “I’m fine” even when you’re struggling.
You listen to everyone else’s problems but rarely share your own.
You feel guilty when you need something instead of being needed.
The hidden cost: You become isolated in your struggles because people don’t know you’re struggling.
2. Your Emotions Feel “Too Much”
When you finally feel something, it hits like a tidal wave.
You either explode (and feel guilty) or implode (and resent it).
You start to wonder if you’re too sensitive—or just broken.
The hidden cost: You begin to mistrust your own emotional responses.
3. You’re Tired in Your Bones
Not sleepy tired—soul tired.
You wake up already exhausted.
Small requests feel overwhelming.
You need coffee to think and wine to stop thinking.
Rest doesn’t actually restore you because your mind never stops running.
The hidden cost: You start to believe this level of depletion is just “normal” for responsible adults.
What to Do Instead: 3 Strategies for Sustainable Strength
1. Practice Emotional Honesty
Instead of defaulting to “I’m fine,” try:
- “I’m having a rough day but I’ll be okay.”
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed but working through it.”
- “Not my best day, but I’m managing.”
This isn’t complaining—it’s being human.
People can’t support you if they don’t know you need support.
2. Set Emotional Boundaries
You don’t have to be everyone’s therapist. Try saying:
- “I care about you, but I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for this today.”
- “I’m not the right person to help with this situation.”
- “I need to focus on my own stuff right now.”
Your emotional energy is finite.
Protecting it isn’t selfish—it’s sustainable.
3. Redefine Strength
Real strength includes:
- Knowing your limits and respecting them
- Asking for help before you’re desperate
- Feeling your emotions instead of bypassing them
- Taking breaks without guilt
- Saying no without over-explaining
A personal story:
Last year, I had to cancel three client sessions in one week because I was emotionally depleted.
Old me would have pushed through and given subpar care.
The new me recognized that taking space was better for everyone involved.
That’s not weakness. That’s sustainable strength.
A Reality Check
If you’re thinking,
“But I don’t have the luxury of not being strong…”
I hear you. I really do.
Some of us are in situations where we can’t fully let our guard down.
But here’s the truth:
Running yourself into the ground doesn’t help anyone long term.
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
You can’t be truly strong if you’re operating on fumes.
Start Small — and Start With You
- Take five minutes a day to check in with yourself
- Say “Let me think about it” instead of instantly saying yes
- Ask one person how you’re doing without jumping into help mode
You don’t have to choose between being strong and being human.
You can be both.
When “Just Be Strong” Becomes “I’m Getting Stronger”
The goal isn’t to become weak or helpless.
It’s to build sustainable strength that doesn’t cost you your well-being.
Real strength looks like:
- Having boundaries without guilt
- Processing emotions without judgment
- Asking for support without shame
- Taking breaks without explaining
- Saying no without over-justifying
Ready to Stop Running on Empty?
If you’re tired of “just being strong” and ready to reset in a way that actually supports you, I created something just for you:
The 5-Day Emotional Reset
Designed for high-capacity adults who are exhausted from carrying it all.
It’s not about becoming someone different.
It’s about honoring who you are—while protecting your peace.
You’ll get:
- Daily prompts to reconnect with yourself
- Permission to feel tired without fixing it
- Practical strategies for emotional boundaries
- Tools to help you carry less, not more
👉 Download your free 5-Day Emotional Reset here
Bottom Line:
“Just be strong” helped you survive.
But now, you deserve to thrive.
Your worth isn’t measured by how much you can carry without breaking.
You don’t have to disappear in your strength.
You can be strong and soft. Resilient and rested. Supportive and supported.
But first, you have to stop believing that struggling means you’re failing.
You’re not failing. You’re human. And that’s more than enough.
Cheryl McBryde-Pitter, LCSW, is a therapist and creative who helps high-capacity adults navigate life with less overwhelm and more authenticity. Her work focuses on sustainable wellness practices for people who are tired of surface-level solutions.